I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize