Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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