wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
