I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
