she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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