How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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