I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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