I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
