Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize