I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize