I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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