somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
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