I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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