If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
