I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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