Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
