I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
