I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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