this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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