John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
