i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
