I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
