$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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