Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize