I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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