Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
