i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
