Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Fuck appropriateness.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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