dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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