Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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