here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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