I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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