Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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