Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
