my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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