my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize