im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
