so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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