well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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