we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
