I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
