I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
