I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize