Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
