i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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