Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
