census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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