So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
