why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize