Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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