I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
