but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
