The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
