ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
