Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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