If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
