yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
