Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
