i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
