i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
