Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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