The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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